BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe,…
Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two things: my freedoms and my…
COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the…
WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners…
Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at…
TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed…
BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local vegan Chuck Miller opened up about his struggle to eat vegetables, particularly carrots, after he’s given them names and personalities, irreverent…
You may think of us as a punk website, but it’s long been our goal to evolve into a source of objective news for all…
LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.…
Tax Day is upon us, and while it has never been popular (unless you’re getting money back, you lucky bastards) this year it is especially…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating…
It seems that it’s becoming more and more difficult for the middle class to get by these days. Steadily increasing costs of living and predatory…
VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale,…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent Harvard report on the overall health of Americans showed that the residual moisture left behind by lettuce and tomatoes after…
Many of us grew up watching syndicated episodes of the British sitcom “Mr. Bean” starring Rowan Atkinson, wherein he played a largely silent, bumbling bozo…